Seller A will list an item that may or may not be outlandish in terms of asking price or what he or she is actually trying to sell. A "Concerned Citizen"/potential buyer/all-around curmudgeonly bike nerd will become enraged by Seller A's asking price or listed item, which results in anything from a single snarky comment to a full-blown battle royale with all the trimmings of a highly dysfunctional Thanksgiving dinner. The latter is the situation I encountered tonight and, suffice to say, this is the best of the best.
Tonight is the rare occasion when the stars have aligned and the Craig's List vultures all find their way onto what is basically the Amsterdam of the Internet. From what I can tell, "Craig" is nowhere to be found, and people are willing to drool over just about anything that a seller puts front and center in the storefront window. (Note: I am well aware that I'm no better than any of tonight's "debate" participants because, yes, the most exciting thing I could think to do tonight at 11:30 p.m. CDT was to surf through the bike ads on Craig's List.)
So let me set the scene for you, and as I do so you may want to turn down the lights. In essence, tonight's bout didn't involve a particular seller, but several curmudgeonly bike nerds (some posing as "Concerned Citizens"). From here on out we'll refer to these participants as CBN1, CBN2, CBN3, etc. (Another Note: By the time I'm posting this, some of the Craig's List postings have been pulled down or flagged by other users, so I can't link to them...pasting text and images instead.)
The first post seemed innocuous enough, not unlike many posts I've seen in recent months. With fixed-gear bikes all the rage, and converted old crappy road bikes flooding the pages of Craig's List, I'll often see people comment on the ridiculousness of bike prices, especially for some of these crappy "fixie" conversions. Round 1 of tonight's debate was no different on the surface, but upon reading the post, I could feel the hair's on the back of my neck stand up. I got the feeling that I was possibly about to witness something special -- probably not unlike a pitching coach watching his ace on the mound, and just knowing that on that night, he has the stuff for a no-hitter.
The title of CBN1's initial post sent out the feelers: "fixed gear conversions!!!" It could have easily gone the other way. Maybe it was an out-of-work bike mechanic looking to convert people's old crappy ten-speeds for a few bucks. But no:
"a couple things. just because you spend over one hundred dollars powdercoating some road bike frame from the 80's, don't think that adds to its value. its kinda your loss. same with assuming the value of all the parts together as a whole is a good indicator of how much you can sell a bike for. im just kind of getting sick of seeing old schwinn and raleighs with over 500 dollar price tags just because they had a few 'upgrades'"
Not long after, CBN2 took the bait. I have to say, the way in which CBN2 harnessed the economic theory of Milton Friedman stirred my soul. I just as easily could have been listening to Woodrow Wilson telling Joseph Stalin to "tear down that wall" in one of his "fireside chats." Or was that Grover Cleveland. In any event, I was hooked, especially after CBN2 raised the stakes by adding a visual aid:
"A couple of things...in a free market economy the consumer should be able to make a decision on how much something is worth. If they have the money to pay for a fixed gear conversion, and can appreciate someone taking their time to repaint an old bike, add a few upgrades, spend a little quality time to make something old look new...(IT'S OK). They don't need some poor ass punk offering advice on how to spend their money. Just because you have no skills to upgrade anything other than your opinion, does not mean anything to anyone. You want to chip in your two cents about everything related to bikes as if your opinion matters. STFU and get a job. The person that does the work as the artist, developer, worker/fixed gear converter... has the right to control their asking price. If they don't get what they are asking for they can drop the price as needed. If you are sick of seeing old schwinn and raleighs with over 500 dollar price tags, then stop looking on CL Bikes, and mind your business somewhere else. CL can be a great opportunity for someone with a passion and desire to make or remake something into something beautiful. All you want to do is criticize and talk about how tired you are of seeing this or that. If you don't like the channel, change the station you idiot."
The next move is where the debate got a bit fuzzy -- is it CBN1 entering a rebuttal? Or did we have an interloper? I believe it was the latter, CBN3, and he/she made a desperate call to the lowest common denominator:
"Hey Mr. Free Market Economy.... You are a DORK!" (Location: Whah whah whah)
Game on, my friends. Only minutes later, CBN2 came roaring back, again using poignant graphics to back up his/her argument:
" They called me a dork too...."
Touche.Clearly having taken the time to polish his/her rebuttal, CBN1 issued a virtual all-points bulletin that he/she is an anonymous force to be reckoned with, spewing the response with teleprompter precision. CBN1 could have taken the safe route and played John Maynard Keynes to CBN2's Chicago school of economic thought. But no. CBN1 went for broke and I have to admire that risk, which came complete with ironicly staged Commie propaganda:
"ooohhhkay, i usually would never respond to this, but being called an idiot over the internet has seriously offended me. also, the edgy and almost stream-of-conscious prose that the poster uses really came through to me in lines such as 'STFU and get a job'. Who is this guy? I mean, hes obviously an ardent opponent of anything that he sees as anti-capitalistic, so much that he will accuse someone with a different opinion of not having a job. I mean, with these type of bikes being all the rage, isn't just as important to let people know they dont need to shell out 'their hard earned money' when you get something just as good for usually half the price?"
I can't help but wonder, though, by using your "hard earned money" to get something "just as good for usually half the price," was CBN1 covertly trying to get people to buy this?
Sneaky, Comrade. Very sneaky.
Next up was sort of like the guy who runs across the outfield naked in the middle of a baseball game. It's an unexpected break in the action (or lack of action, since my metaphor is baseball), but you don't really know what to make of it. Let's call this person CBN4:
"Um, that's not a good thing."
Dude, I think you meant to post that in your "Mystery Science Theater 3000" chat room and accidently typed it into the wrong browser window. Log off and go finish watching "Best Week Ever."
But before I even finished reading this, there it was, a new post from a new player -- CBN5 (I think):
"Consumer awareness is great. But holier-than-thou posting for the sake of ego-boosting isn't helpful. It's just annoying. And I'm not selling anything, simply perusing. I ran across your posting, a type that has become all-too-common on CL (i.e. that thing you are selling isn't worth what you say it is; hey everybody, don't be a moron) and decided to respond. Believe me, smarty: I'm losing no sleep over you."
Clearly trying to play the cool, calm and collected "sanity broker," CBN5 got right onto his/her high-horse and gallopped through a pool of irony by calling out his/her predecessors for "holier-than-thou posting for the sake of ego-boosting."
In the race for the last word, things can often get ugly, and tonight's events were no different. I can't say the fight is over yet, but as of 1:50 a.m. CDT, this epic battle came down to CBN6. I can only hope that CBNs 1 through 5 were wearing industrial-strength athletic protectors, because in trying to end the impasse, CBN6 had his/her sights set below the belt with the less-than-politically-correct image you'll find here. Along with the image (which must be on backorder because I couldn't find it in stock), CBN6 drew a virtual and anonymous line in the sand:
"why don't you guys just have a tug of war and see who wins? no more re:'s please."
Will our world ever be the same. I can't say for sure. But I can say with a fair amount of certainty that I'll never get these last few hours back. For that I will be exhausted in the morning.
However, this is the type of drama you just can buy on eBay. What's more, the ".org" designation of Craig's List makes me think I'm really getting my money's worth. It's sort of like watching something on PBS instead of Game 7 of the World Series and feeling like you didn't miss out on anything afterward. I'm not certain, but I think ".org" means I can write off the time I spent reading this virtual sparring match on my '09 taxes. (As always, consult with your tax professional.)
Separately, to all who participated in the Chicago's World Naked Bike Ride (and skate!) on Saturday, congratulations on your athletic accomplishments and exploits. I'll avoid easy and cheap jokes about performance enhancing drugs that can benefit the naked cyclist and I'll refrain from debating whether you cheated if you wore a helmet. Though given the heavy rain this morning at the scheduled ride time, I will say I'm happy I wasn't riding directly behind anyone in that group. Please don't forget to put yor clothes back on today.
Happy start of the second calendar week of Bike to Work Week (brought to you by stauch supporters of walking, the Active Transportation Alliance).
-TGOTB
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