The Practicalities of Common Sense

Apropos of nothing, there's something that's been gnawing at me ever since I read about it yesterday. While it isn't related to Chicago or cycling, I'm sure you'll agree it's a saga that has been gripping the world. I'm referring, of course, to the four Uigher Muslim men freed from the Guantanamo Bay detention camp. Desperately seeking a new home for these members of a "restive ethnic minority from western China," Washington found a match with Bermuda. And what a match it is, as you'll see in this slide show.

But I want to know more. What sort of ice cream are they eating? From the looks of things, they all went with vanilla -- always a smart move when first scoping out an ice cream parlor, because if the proprietor screws up the vanilla, there's no chance for the more exotic offerings.


However, my questions don't stop there. Why no sprinkles? If these men are, in fact, "restive" by nature, their ice cream decisions boggle my mind and ooze with hot fudge irony. I apologize for getting so far off topic, and we'll get back to cycling now, but mark my words and remember you read it hear first: there WILL be a sitcom featuring these budding young stars and their lives on the "tidy, postcard island" of Bermuda.

Moving on to less fantastical matters, I've received questions over the past few days about some of the more practical issues facing bike commuters. This being Bike to Work Week, you may be seeing an increase in the number of sweaty people in your workplace. That is, unless you work in a gym. So if you're one of those people increasing the sweat index or odor index at work, you might want to consider taking a shower. And by "might want to consider," I mean you're probably offending everyone around you and you're doing yourself a great disservice to yourself and you should likely be ashamed of yourself. But again, if you work in a gym, ignore that last thought.

I understand this isn't a cut and dry issue, though (pun intended). If your commute is a few miles or less, you may not need to shower, but if you ride fast and you have the talent of sweating from simply watching a beach scene on TV (especially if he's involved in the action), then a shower between ride and work will probably do you well.

If you're lucky enough to work in a building with a gym or gym access, then you don't have an issue (other than the profuse sweating thing, and for that you may want to contact a physician). The vast majority of workplaces, however, don't have that luxury. There are options (some costlier than others):

You can see if your employer has a deal with one of the local gyms for discounted rates. If so, you can get a membership and use their facilities. Plus, while you're there, nobody will even notice how smelly and sweaty you are -- unless you've got a very specific chili-dog sort of stench going on. In that case, I'd contact the previously mentioned physician.

Before the fitness center opened in my building, I called around and found a gym a few blocks away that let me pay a very small monthly fee to simply rent a locker use the showers. Good deal, and if you work near the Magnificent Mile, I'd recommend the place: Onterie Fitness Center on E. Ontario. If you work elsewhere, it's worth calling around because some gyms have deals like this.

Another option, if you're in the Loop, is the McDonald's Cycle Center in Millennium Park. Last time I checked was last summer and, at the time, they had a long wait to get bike parking. But if this location is convenient, give them a call because they might allow access to the showers and lockers for a small fee. I initially thought the idea of using city-run "public" showers was pretty creepy and probably not the cleanest, given that you never know when you might run into a Republican Senator.

Anyway, just a couple ideas, but there are options out there and finding one might only take a few phone calls. "I thought biking to work was supposed to be free," you complain. To that I say, "You're probably one of those people who showered once a week in college and chances are you need a bath right now."

Another question that no one has asked me directly, but which I've posed to myself on numerous commutes is, "What's the deal with the skater helmets on cyclists?" This trend appears to have taken hold more in the hipster community, but not only among the messenger wannabes on their fixed-gears. Riding without a helmet in the city is clearly one of the dumber things you can do, so at least these people are wearing head protection. Yes, bike helmets look stupid, but do these really make you look cooler? Not only will this type of helmet make your head sweatier (with its inferior ventilation), but someone might try to pick up a seven-ten split with you:

So let's recap for the form-before-function crowd: Wearing a skate helmet instead of a more conventional bike helmet will raise the Workplace Sweat Index (WSI), and you'll look more than a little like this guy:
The least you could do is get one of these to complete the hipster metamorphosis (or hipstorphosis, if you will):


Please stop sweating, dry off, and think about what we've discussed, and I'll be sure to keep you abreast of my efforts to get "Shower at Work Week" through the city council.

-TGOTB